Parabatai Regrets
by alisa blackstairs
Summary: I just finished Lady Midnight and I just can't wait until the second book so I have decide to write what might happen when Emma pretends to love Mark. This is my first fanfic so please leave me some comments :)
"Hey, wake up Em." Julian said,and shook Emma up who muttered sleepily. She didn't want to wake up,not any time now. She just wanted to sleep for the rest of the year,if that was possible. There were so many things that needed to be forgotten if only for a while.

"Jules, stop interrupting my sleep, I feel awful when you do this to me."

"Well, is this any better?" he said, and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

Emma smiled and then immediately choked on her own thoughts. She couldn't be doing this.

"Get off" she grumbled, and got up. Julian's face was one filled with confusion because Emma always laughed when Julian did this to her. He frowned and started writing on her arm. A-R-E Y-O-U O-K-A-Y?

I-M F-I-N-E she wrote back and Julian didn't look too convinced.

But all he said was "Tavvy wants me to make some pancakes so I better go downstairs."and went off.

By the time Emma got downstairs everyone was already seated around the table eating pancakes. She sat where a place was left right next to Julian.

"Hey Emma." Mark said,and winked at her. Emma smiled back and looked at Julian who was stabbing the pancake repeatedly with his fork."Mark, can I talk to you later? Just the two of us in my room?" Emma said, and got curious looks from around the table. She didn't want to see Julian's face though. She couldn't bear to look. "Sure." Mark said,and smiled brightly.

Emma sneaked a glance at Julian, who looked like he wasn't thinking about much, but from the way he stared at his fork and knife and pancake,Emma knew that he was not alright at all. "Mark, do you think we should tell them? I know it's sudden but I think they should know." she said."Tell us what?" Tavvy asked.

"Well, It is up to you of course." Mark replied.

"Tell us!"

"What is this suspense all for?"

"Shut up perfect Diego, and we can hear them speak."

Everyone stopped talking and looked expectantly at Emma and Mark.

"I- well then. Me and Mark- We- I think I- I think I love him." Emma said, and at that her mouth filled with poisonous dread because Julian dropped his knife onto the floor. He grabbed his plate of uneaten pancakes, put the plate in the kitchen sink and left the room without a glance at Emma.

"By the Angel Emma!" Cristina said, and smiled.

"Ohhh I knew it!" Livvy shouted.

"So it was you two the whole time!"

Everyone else seemed oblivious to Julian's mood but Emma knew so she just stared uncomfortably at her plate of pancakes regretting the whole thing. _If you loved Mark, I would break._ She remembered the words and a scream died in her throat.

Julian ran up the stairs into the art room studio. He grabbed a piece of stark white paper,crunched it up into his fist and threw it at the painting easel. He had been too stupid to realize. He had been blind and now he was left with nothing. His heart was wrenched apart now, and he could do nothing,but sit around in a pile of his own glass scattered around him. He opened up the crumpled paper,smoothed it out, and stared at it. The paper was a representation of him, he thought. Of his heart. Of all the cracks and shattered parts left. But then he ripped the paper in half, put one half in the bin and one against the easel. One for Emma to go in the trash, and the one that was left, for himself. He got out a tub of red paint,black paint,blue paint and gold, and started splattering it against the paper. He shook his hand furiously and didn't care when the paint landed everywhere. He filled up the whole page with the Reds and the blues and the golds so he left that. When he looked up, he saw a thousand different Emma's all staring back at him. Her at the beach,her taking care of Tavvy,her in her beautiful dress. Julian could bear it no more so he went to the painting he hated most and yanked it off the wall. He then did something he never thought he would've:

He shredded the paper into two bits and threw them right outside the window of the institute.

He didn't see where they landed; he couldn't care. This drawing wasn't even good as some of his drawings weren't. Some had been drawn years ago, and Julian had improved massively since then.

Emma started getting worried. Julian hadn't come down for lunch or dinner and each time Cristina had to bring up a tray to his room so that he would eat. Every single time Julian would say that he was working on a big project and not to bother him but Emma knew it probably wasn't the case.

During midday, Church the cat, crawled into the institute and came into Emma's room.

"Hello Church" Emma said, and Church waddled up to Emma, dropping something that he had been carrying in his mouth.

"What is it?" She said, but Church had already started going out the room. She picked up the piece of paper that Church had dropped at her feet. She picked it up and opened the crumpled paper. On that piece of paper was a drawing,of a girl standing on the beach, the waves behind her with her golden hair flying. The drawing was ripped around one side, so half of it was cut off. She looked at the drawing closely, and realized it was her. The style of the drawing was one she knew so well-it was Julian's drawing.

She dashed out of her room and shouted out for church.

"Church! Where did you find this?" But Emma was too late,for Church was now nowhere inside the institute.

"How strange." She muttered, and went back to her room. That Church should come at such timing,and to deliver that paper. Julian flashed in her mind but she pushed the thoughts away.

It was already midnight when Julian went back to his room to try and sleep. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep,as best as he could anyways. And then he heard the shout from across the corridor.

"Julian! No, please not Julian! No! Please just anybody but him. Because he's my parabatai!"

Julian's eyes flew open and he started to get up,before he decided not to,and he dove under his covers.

"Don't you understand? I love him. I love Julian-

Julian couldn't stand it anymore, and so he jumped out of bed and rushed over to Emma's room.

"Emma!" He said, and grabbed Emma's hand.

She stirred,turned around and blinked.

"Julian?"

"Shhh. I'm here Emma, it's okay."

"You came?" she asked, looking surprised.

"Of course I did Emma. You were having a nightmare."

She nodded and then her face turned into a pained one.

"What did you hear me say Julian?" she said.

"I heard that- you said I love Julian and I-

"Julian, I don't." she said. _I do, I love you I love you terribly_ she wanted to say,but she didn't.

"What?" Julian was momentarily dumbfounded. Had he heard her right?

"I don't love you in the way you love me. I'm so sorry Julian, I- you're my parabatai but-

"Okay, I get it." He said, and let go of Emma's hand, his heart being torn apart into all the more pieces again, the parts he had re sewn during the day all burst apart and he felt the worst thing ever.

"No, Julian wait!" Emma said, and Julian stopped and turned back because the tone of her voice seemed so desperately painful and real.

"I- I do love you Julian. I love you, I love everything about you and I so desperately want you. But we can't."

"Why?" Julian said. "If you love me and I love you then why-

"Julian, I need to tell you something important. On the day that we were fighting Malcolm, he said something to me. He said that he knew about our parabatai love and he said there was something terrible about it. So I asked Jem what it was when he came over and he told me. He told me what it was. And ever since then I swore I wouldn't put you in danger. I wouldn't. If the feeling was unrequited, it would be harmless." Emma trembled and Julian grasped her hand again.

"No, please Julian. I can't-

"Tell me what it is Emma. I can't bear this pain, in knowing that I love you and not being able to do anything about it." Emma shook, trying her hardest to let her hands go.

"I'm protecting you." She half cried out.

"Why? What is so terrible? I don't need protecting from you anymore Emma. I'm not a child, I'll be fine." Julian said, and Emma could see Julian was losing his patience.

"It's not just about protecting you. It's about us Julian."

"Emma, you're the strongest shadowhunter I've ever known. What could possibly be that bad? We can get through this Emma, I know we can." He said it with such faith that emma so badly wanted to believe him. But she knew she couldn't let herself think like that.

"No we can't Jules. We just can't." It went against everything she wanted to say but she did it anyways.

"Don't you understand Emma? It's breaking me apart,us being apart. I need you in my life. I can't believe you think that being with Mark could save him! You've never hurt me more my entire life and I'd never do anything to hurt you this much! You know it." He said.

Emma had never in her entire life seen Julian look so pained and devastated that she felt her heart ache with pain she had never known. So much guilt and sorrow that would not be here if she had not asked for him to be her parabatai. _Regretting now is too late_ , she thought glumly.

"Jem said, that if a parabatai fall in love, their powers grow stronger and stronger. They turn magical, and it goes above warlock magic after a while. Then the Shadowhunters turn into monsters. They start turning against their own family. That's why we can't continue like this Jules." She said, and she felt like the earth had cracked when she saw Julian's hopeless expression.

"There must be something we can do." he said.

"No. I can't become a mundane or a downworlder. And that's the only way possible." Emma said, and shook her head.

"I would. I'd become a mundane and we could be together forever-

"No Julian, you can't do this for me-

"I can. If one of us becomes a mundane-

"It won't work Julian. We can't be together. We're parabatai. You'll always find another girl in your life Julian, everybody loves you."

"I won't. I won't love anyone else as long as you're here. I can't."

"Oh Julian!" Emma said, and burst out into tears. She hadn't cried in ages but she did now, for it was too much. She felt as if the weight on her shoulders had finally gotten a little bit lighter only because she had told Julian about what Jem had said. But now there was a whole new feeling of dread washing over, along with the regret she felt everyday.

"Julian, I'm so sorry for doing this to you. I wanted to save us, I really did. And I thought, that if I just went with Mark, pretended to be with him I could… But I was so so wrong…"

"It's fine." Julian said ever so calmly, and Emma hated herself even more for making julian go through this.

"Julian… " Emma said, but froze, because Julian bent down and kissed her on the lips.

He wiped away her tears, kissing them,and she suddenly felt a burst of energy,and she pulled Julian forward, and he climbed into the bed next to her. She grabbed him, pulled at the hems of his trousers, grasping his t shirt. Their lips were clashing so hard with all the desire they had kept for weeks, and Emma pulled him closer, putting her fingers in his hair, and he grasped her tighter, trailing his hands through her hair, and gasping for air. "I can't resist anymore." he said, and Emma pulled him again and kissed him harder than she ever had, moaning slightly when he ran his hands down her back. Her whole body tingled with joy as his warmth pressed against her and she smelt his familiar smell, feeling the curve of his shoulders against her own and feeling the buzz through her veins. She wanted to be closer, closer and even closer than they ever could be.

"We shouldn't be doing this." Emma said, and she pulled away. Julian's face crumpled again and he leaned in close, his mouth brushing her mouth as he whispered hoarsely "No. Not anymore. This is the last time I'm ever kissing you as parabatai. Tomorrow, I'm telling everyone about us. And we're going to go to the silent city to get this over with and I'm becoming a mundane."

"No" Emma breathed, but she knew it was pointless. She wanted him, and he wanted her and he would do anything to stay with Emma. His Emma. His Emma at last after tomorrow.

He smiled, cupped Emma's chin and started kissing her again. Tangled in each other's arms they slept better than had in ages and Emma's nightmare magically disappeared, and once again they both felt hope flutter back into their hearts.


End file.
